Friday, August 27, 2004

Being apart from the one you love for long periods of time really sucks. How long has it been? Well...what's the date? Twenty-seven days. I can't believe it. I'm really looking forward to seeing her next weekend, but I don't know how I will handle the fact that she'll have to leave again. I thought I was doing fine until I looked at these 'I miss you' cards in the store and I got really choked up. I really didn't realise how much I missed her until that moment. It's not the same as loneliness. I am lonely because I am alone and don't have any friends in a new town. I don't have a peer group - I'm not a grad student any more, but not quite a prof. I've been in this town three weeks now and had three days in three weeks in which I spent a significant amount of time with people. Sure, I'm around people, but I am rarely interacting with people over long periods of time. A few words on the corridors, a few words with students after class - that kind of thing. Sure I talk to Linz often enough, but that is different. She's far away, it's all on the phone. It's good to talk but it's not 'shared experience' the way simply hanging out with someone is. And I need shared experience. We are going to be apart for most of the next two years. I can't imagine such a thing. Hopefully I'll be able to see her on weekends soon enough. I hope that will make things better. Of course it will insulate me even more from the community, but it will be worth it if I can just spend time with my love.

She started talking about a Ph.D. today - or was it last night? Sounds great, and yet sounds awful. If I can't get a job in KC, where would that leave us? Granted you can do a Ph.D. largely non-resident, but I know that's not what she wants to do. I want her to aim high, I woul love for her to do a Ph.D. It's a strange pathology, wanting others to do this awful thing you did, knowing that no one should ever wish the life of a doctoral student on someone else. But it would be cool. The problem is, what happens if I cannot get a job near KC? How do we work out that problem?

Anyway, I have already said more than I want to say online. Hopefully no one ever reads what I post. I should put a counter on my page to see if anyone ever drops by.

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